Have you ever said to yourself, "There has got to be more to life than this"? Welcome to my last 30 years. Now don't get me wrong, I have lived an amazing life up to this point. I have an incredible family, the BEST friends, a great career, I've experienced real love, and I have had many beautiful faith defining moments. What more could I ask for?
My whole life I have struggled with my weight. I don't remember a single moment in my past when it has not been a constant reality. I remember being very young and going "back to school" shopping. I dreaded it. Dread may not even be a strong enough word. I remember going shopping one day and having to find pants that would fit me. Pants were the worst! I held my breath as I walked into the dressing room. Please let at least one of these pairs work. My mom was already frustrated and exhausted from the trip. My brothers had been done with their school shopping for hours. I only had a few things in the cart and much to my dismay, I had to open that dressing room door and tell my mom the pants weren't working. My mom sped over to me, came into the dressing room and just stared. She crouched down and pulled both sides of the pants as hard as she could to try and see if there was some way we could make them work, as if I had not done enough pulling and stretching already. After that she just looked at me, pinched my stomach so hard I gasped, and sternly, between clenched teeth, said "This is not ok! What are we going to do?" I was horrified, humiliated, and my mind was reeling. I felt like I was horrible. I knew there must really be something wrong with me in order for my mom to have said or done anything like that. I also had no idea what to do. I was probably in 3rd or 4th grade. I had no idea how to change anything. (Now, before you go thinking that my mom should have never said or done that, you need to understand my relationship with her. She is my best friend. She is one of the most kind souls I have ever met, and she has always been my constant cheerleader throughout my life. A moment of weakness does not define a person, and she has never ever said anything of that nature to me nor to anyone else since that moment in time. Looking back on the experience I know she was exasperated, tired, and in all reality just wanted to help me find some clothes. She is an amazing woman, and one I try to emulate in my own life. So no dissing!)
There are plenty of other moments in my life when I have felt shame because of my weight:
-Physical Education class:You know every year when we had to do those physical fitness assessments? Torturous for me. I hated the fact that every single eye was on me as I performed each task. And believe me, I heard enough snide remarks and comments being made, to know that I was a spectacle.
-Having to ask for a seatbelt extender on an airplane.
-Not being able to sit in a booth at a restaurant.
-Having my formal dance dresses made from scratch instead of being able to buy one off the rack.
-Being the only girl left not dancing at a church dance during a slow song.
-Having a crush on a guy, then having that guy talk to you about their obsession with your best friend (who is of course skinnier than me, so that has to be the reason they like her right?? Oh middle school!)
-Going on a first date and the guy telling you that he could see himself with you, but that I had one flaw...
-Starting a brand new diet (this has happened at least a gazillion times) and then giving up because it's not working, or because you are starving, or because I just couldn't bring myself to eat one more bite of that nasty non-fat crap.
-Starting a brand new diet and every person you tell is skeptical and doesn't know if they should actually believe this one is going to stick.
-Starting a diet, doing well, and then gaining all the weight back and then some.
-"You start so many things, but you never finish them."
-Falling in love with someone, but again, "there is this one thing I need you to do..."
-Not being able to fit into a ride at Sea World and having all the people waiting in line stare at you as you walk off the ride, the whole time trying to hold your head high and not let them see that you wish you could just crawl into a hole and die from embarrassment.
There is a new show out on NBC called This is Us. I love the show so far! It has some great characters and I love the dynamic between the siblings. There is one character on the show who I relate with so well. Her name is Kate. She is a twin. Her brother is gorgeous beyond belief, has a body you'd kill for, and he has women throwing themselves at his feet. She is a very overweight single girl. These two siblings have a great relationship. They rely on each other so much. I would equate their relationship to the one I have with my own brother. He is one of my biggest fans. (Definitely more stories to come about him later) In one of the episodes Kate is with this guy who is very interested in her. They start to have this very real conversation, the really scary and vulnerable kind that will more than likely make you feel super uncomfortable as you share, but super relieved when you finally have it out of your head. Anyway, she said something that really struck a cord with me. "When I'm not thinking about the weight, I'm still thinking about it." This made so much sense to me. There is not a span of 5 minutes, where I have not thought about my weight in some way. Beyond the normal thoughts "I need to lose weight. I need to not eat that piece of bread. I need to not order a soda. That number on the scale is much too high. Why is that number not budging, I stuck to my diet so well yesterday? I don't want people to see me this way. I can't find a swimming suit. This store doesn't even carry my size. I won't be able to shop at this store for much longer if I don't lose some weight." I also have all these secondary thoughts that come to mind (the things that I think about when I'm not thinking about the weight) and can last between just a few seconds and hours before an incident. For example, these are some quick thoughts: "Will I fit between those two chairs when I walk by? Do I want to actually bend over and tie my shoes today? Grab all the grocery bags at one time so I don't have to go back up the stairs again. I don't want to sit on the ground because I won't be able to get up easily, I'll stand instead. I'll sit at the end of the aisle so I don't have to walk in front of anyone to get to my seat." And then the thoughts that consume me for hours beforehand: "I have to pee before I get on the plane so I won't have to get up in the middle of the flight. Will I even be able to fit in that bathroom? I don't want to go to the swimming party, I look like a whale, but I should just get over it and have a good time. Make sure to tell the host that we want a table, not a booth. Will I be able to fit on this ride? What is my escape plan in case someone suggests ______? Let's make sure that in this picture I am hidden behind someone else. Please don't pull out a video camera." It is crazy how my weight literally consumes every moment of my life.
I feel like I have done a pretty good job at hiding many of these thoughts and feelings because I don't want others to feel uncomfortable and I do genuinely want to have a good time. Sometimes it all just gets to you though. You don't want to fight. You don't want to have to think through everything anymore. You don't want to have to make so many calculated decisions. You don't want the stares. You don't want judgement. You are even to the point where you don't want people to tell you "You're so amazing. He doesn't know what he's missing" or "You are so beautiful. With extra weight or not, you are a beautiful girl." So, what have I started doing? This social, super fun, and happy girl has now decided that living holed up in my apartment is better than going out and living a full life. What?! Why?! Because it feels safer, because I won't get hurt, because I can do whatever I want and no one is looking at me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am done with living my life that way. To be honest, I can't imagine a life without all of those things consuming me. I have found a light. A couple years ago my brother Josh (the one I was mentioning before) asked me how I would feel about weight loss surgery. I had honestly not thought about it at all besides maybe a passing thought now and then, but nothing more than that. He told me about a couple people he knew who had recently gone through the surgery, they were experiencing so much success and their lives had become so much more fulfilled post surgery. I started to delve into information I found online and I called my insurance company. I started the process. I went through the entire rig-a-ma-roll for six months, getting myself to where I needed to be for surgery. I had done everything and I was waiting to hear back from my insurance company to see if my request for surgery had been accepted. It wasn't. I was devastated. I fell back into old habits and for the year and a half since then I've just been living life as normal, trying to convince myself that I wasn't ready anyway, I need to try harder by doing ANOTHER kind of diet and see how it goes.
In that time my thought processes about myself, my self-esteem, and my ability to live a full and happy life have been compromised. Even though I have always had a weight issue, I have been blessed with otherwise wonderful health and have not been limited in many ways. But, I am starting to see how I can't ignore it anymore. It is affecting me on a daily basis. I am physically unable to do certain things anymore, or if I try, it takes forever, or completely exhausts me. I talked to Josh again about all these things I've been feeling recently and he again was so supportive and helpful. I told him I had been thinking about trying to have bariatric surgery again. He was excited about my thoughts and told me to go for it. We talked again about all the benefits of this surgery and how much my life would change. I was inspired by the endless possibilities. Why don't I try to do this again?
So this week, I called my insurance. I made sure I understood everything I needed to do, exactly where to go, which doctors to use, how much it would cost, how much time I had to get through the process. Then I made the call. I'm on my way. Welcome to the beginning of the beginning Brittney. This is truly the beginning of the rest of my life.
I have to say, this hike was definitely one of the HARDEST physical things I have ever done. I am one of those people that is not going to whine and complain when things get tough, and I will push myself to my absolute limit, but I've gotta say, towards the end of that hike I was beginning to wonder just how much longer and how much further I could really go. I know I worried Ryan too. There were a lot of quiet moments on the way down that mountain, because it was all I could do to just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and try not to fall down the steep rocky banks around us.
At the very end of the hike Ryan ran down the rest of the mountain so he could go back to the trailhead and get the car to pick me up as I finished. So, as I was trekking down this crazy mountain I had a million thoughts running through my mind. Mostly, they were thoughts of how grateful I was to be almost done,that I was soon going to be able to walk on even ground, but then the other thought that kept coming to me was that I NEVER EVER wanted to feel this way again. I gained a lot of perspective walking down that mountain trail. It motivated me in a way I can't really describe. I decided that it was important for me to remember this moment and that I needed to be able to look back on it in moments when I was questioning my direction, and when my choice to get healthy seemed too difficult to achieve. Even writing this post today, and looking back at this moment brought tears to my eyes. I am going to be ok. No, I'm going to be better than ok, I am going to be AMAZING! And wonderful things are going to start happening because I am taking control of my life.
